Fools rush in, where angels fear to tread,
And so I come to you my love,
My heart above my head ..
I've recently nabbed a place on a CELTA course, which, if I pass, will give me a well recognised qualification as a teacher of English to foreign learners. The travel and general experience prospects of the CELTA are second to none, but of late, my rational foresight has been throwing around a lot of worries and second guessing.
It begins when I take the base monetary concerns into consideration; even with the assistance of a (not yet guaranteed) grant from the British Council, the CELTA won't be cheap. £1100 for 4 weeks. Even with a kind member of my family offering to pay the rest of the lion's share, it is still a ridiculously sized carcass on which the lion dines. Let's say I do qualify for the British Council grant. Even with that sizeable portion checked off, the remaining figure is still a mountain of agony that someone's going to have to take on.
It's difficult to take solace at this stage; the old counterpoints to my pangs of uncertainty aren't really cooing me to acceptance any more. This is mostly a side-effect of the practical worthlessness of my current skill sets. The only answer that seems to exist is "If not this, then what?", as though settling for what's obvious now seems the only viable option.
Honestly I'm not sure what I'm cut out for in terms of career and/or higher education. Surely, one would say, if languages and teaching are an area of true proficiency, then surely I should just do the CELTA, therefore striving for the best that's on offer? This would be a sure-fire option if languages and teaching were indeed my areas of proficiency. I can't help but feel that my carefree year in Germany, during which we were all deemed to be 'good' teachers, has given me only a set of rose-tinted glasses through which I see my future in teaching.
Certainly the technical and practical prowess that I would absorb on the CELTA would be more beneficial than anything I learnt in Germany. Of that there is very little doubt, and it would definitely be a stepping stone towards becoming a similar teacher in reality to the one that I became in my mind. But does my lack of area-specific skill at the outset mean I am pursuing something with no future marketability? And at an incredible expense to others, no less? I remember having similar mental sparring matches with myself when I was considering university, except this time round, the post-uni mentality just seems to amplify the intensity of this inner struggle by a huge amount.
The other main point in all this is that, frankly, CELTA will provide a future that I know (or at least strongly suspect) I will be interested in and gain enjoyment from, whatever my ability may be. The course offers an intensive degree of training, both theoretical and practical, ultimately offering a fantastic and internationally recognised level of competency. And I want it.
Something at the back of my mind screams at me to look at TEFL courses - less intensive, much less expensive - but another part of me implores me to go the whole way. Seeing and hearing about the contrast between the two courses is one of the few points of light beaming from the CELTA that swings me in it's favour. The idea of elevating myself to being more masterful in my teaching abilities, beyond earning pieces of paper with my name on them, is the only thing that really eases the knots that have been tied at Gordian levels within my psyche.
This isn't me shitting on TEFL courses or any other kind of elitist dickhead notion; rather, this is me putting into perspective what it is the TEFL lacks and that which I want.
So to conclude, I wonder once again if this is ultimately a fruitless path, based on short-sighted justification? Regardless of my desire to improve myself, I feel I'm looking into some kind of future-defining abyss, with no light of reference to shine across. I'm at a position where either I make camp in familiar territory, which would wear depressingly thin in a very short amount of time, or I set out into possible failure, at the financial expense of someone else, with a distant chance of commendable success. There is no answer, nor reasonably should there be, and this is tearing me to shreds inside.
Uhh.
