The return of Lego

And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson,
Jesus loves you more than you will know .. woah woah woah ..
God bless you please, Mrs. Robinson,
Heaven holds a place for those who pray ..

Oh man, a lot's happened in the past few days and I am righteously knackered. Monday heralded a potentially worrying yet still humblingly blissful realisation: I am but a child at heart. It saw me returning into the fray of primary school as I rekindled my role as a classroom assistant for hire. Once again though, in-keeping with a rising tradition of 'Max signs up for all the right days', we went to the Legoland Discovery Centre in Manchester.

I imagine that very few readers will be aware that I used to bum lego like a plastic religious deity, and that our arrival at the centre found me suppressing urges to push aside 7 year old schoolkids and make a break for one of those little plastic construction tables.

The day was marketed as 'educational' which in real terms was a bit like listing Dachau as a Butlins holiday centre. No, the day was purely fun, with one of those big play areas with tunnels and net walls and slides and shit, and a section for building lego racers and racing them, and bits for building very tall towers and destroying them. There was also a ride where you hit CG lego targets with little laser guns from a little moving cart. I'm a modest person, but seriously, I fucking thrashed those kids at it. Top kids score? Shading 2000. Max's score? Powering ahead with 9000+. YES.

Our fucking rubbish internet and the silly flashy website means that I can't give you a picture, so start with this picture and build up your own vision.

In short, it was pretty epic. I ran around like a big kid and built stuff and bought a lego keyring (Shamelessly, may I add; Lego stormtrooper motherfucker!) and generally had fun times whilst trying to be an adult and sensible and things. Oh, and if you happen to be the bloke who played 'the professor' in that psychedelic Willy-Wonka-esque factory section, then mate, that was just odd. What the hell was your PhD in?

Screw you, polls.

O green world,
Don't desert me now,
Bring me back to fallen town
Where someone is still alive ..

Well, we just had the second leaders debate with Neck Clegg back on top form. This time round we saw less of the "I agree with Nick" that seemed to hang over the last one like a little plague, but we did see Cameron say "I agree with Gordon" which not even he expected. But yes, Nick Clegg was the best again, mostly because all the points he made were reinforced a second later by Cameron who seemed to unknowingly repeat them.

I like Gordon Brown. Sure, he sent the country a little tits up but for the amount of shit he must put up with everyday, along with his sort of lost dog persona, I do quite like him. In the last debate, he got the "best line winner" with his remark "you can't airbrush your policies like you do to your posters" to David Cameron. That was pure gold.

This week he takes it again, though I'm not quite sure with which one. His first one was something to the tune of "You two remind me of my little boys squabbling at bathtime" to the other two, which made me laugh, but I think the best one must have been, on the subject of Trident missiles I believe, simply "Nick. Get real". Just brilliant.

Imma goin' to Germany

Let's go fishing for a dream,
Let's find some place new,
Somewhere we can be ourselves,
Some of the time ..

I read the other day that the above song is one of David Tennant's favourites. I enjoy it too, so in my eyes that makes me 'next doctor' material. Just saying.

I feel like absolute shite today. I'm somewhere in that purgatory-esque transitional period between normal health and full blown stay-in-bed illness, where you just have a headache and want to puke all the time and your temperatures all fucked up and goes between red hot and freezing in a matter of minutes. Luckily though, I have the support of my housemates, the nicest gesture of friendliness being "Max, stay the fuck away from me." So I'm holed up in my room with chocolate and a pile of essays.

I got an email from the British Council the other day (see my earlier post here) and it seems that in September I'm Rheinland-bound. For those of you not in the know, this is in South-West Germany and involves castles and rivers and forests and Germans, as far as I'm aware. Dishearteningly, I know no-one else going to Rheinland - all other friends managed somehow to stay in a big group in Nordrhein-Westphalia. Admittedly its right above the Rheinland-Palatinate where I am, but its gonna seem a million miles when I'm struggling on in a German state I apparently have all to myself. In another display of kindness, my housemates did their best to dispel my loneliness anxieties:

Me, worried - "Do you guys know anyone going to Rheinland?"

Dora, in all sincerity - "Yeah, you."

Ta for that.

I'm in the introduction to a 6000 word essay (230 words in) entitled "Critically evaluate the use of children’s drawings as a research tool." If anyone can help with this in any way, shape or form then facebook me and bestow your wisdom upon me. I've got a wicked intro on the go, and now I'm stuck for ideas.

S*x and Sh*t

Over the sea and far away,
She's waiting like an Iceberg,
Waiting to change ..

This is brilliant. I've just been browsing some stuff on the net and come across this, a DVD player with a built-in child friendly filter thing.

This bit comes straight from the website.

Our ClearPlay DVD Player FILTERS OUT all UNWANTED CONTENT
across 14 separate categories:

• Strong Action Violence: Removes excessive violence, including fantasy violence.
• Gory/Brutal Violence: Removes brutal and graphic violent scenes.
• Disturbing Images: Removes gruesome and other disturbing images.
• Sensual Content: Removes highly suggestive and provocative situations and dialogue.
• Crude S*xual Content: Removes crude s*xual language and gestures.
• N*dity: Removes n*dity, including partial and risque art n*dity.
• Explicit S*xual Situations: Removes explicit s*xual dialogue, sound and activity.
• Vain Reference to Deity: Removes vain or irreverent reference to God or a deity.
• Crude Language and Humor: Removes crude language and bodily humor.
• Ethnic and Social Slurs: Removes ethnically or socially offensive insults.
• Cursing: Removes profane uses of "h*ll" and "d*mn."
• Strong Profanity: Removes swear-words, including strong profanities such as "a**" and "s***".
• Graphic Vulgarity: Removes graphic vulgarities, including "f***."
• Explicit Drug Use: Removes vivid scenes of illegal drug use.

I love the way that even on the website, any words that could be construed as potentially offensive have been asterisk-ed out.

What does it mean ' "strong profanities such as "ass"? Since when has ass ever really been a word that falls into some crudely offensive category? And in a film as well? Some poor sod could just be discussing his donkey.

So this invention basically means that outside of Disney films and The Sound of Music, the film world is a closed door. That list pretty much boycotts Hollywood as we know it.


"Yeah, I watched Lord of the Rings, Kill Bill, Trainspotting, and American History X this weekend. Great films but they only lasted 2 minutes each."

Arnie vs. Nature.

When you smoke all my weed man,

You gotta call the Green man,
So I can get mine and you get yours ..

Another template change! Yes, this one's a winner. Hopefully this one doesn't contrast too much with any other webpages you might be looking at and hurting your eyes.

So whats with this Icelandic cloud eh? They've said it could be a another 4 or 5 days before European and Scandinavian airspaces become clear again and its relatively safe to fly again. I think this would make a great premise for an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, where he fights Iceland (The country and the volcano, not Kerry Katona, because that would be shit). It would probably involve him eating the evil, plane destroying ash with his bare teeth, and there'd be lots of old school Arnie violence, where people are killed for the sake of being killed.

Arnie and his friends arrive at Reykjavik

He'd get his own share of decent one-liners too, as ever. After killing everyone in Iceland, he'd dive into the live volcano from above and say something like "Sorry for dropping in". And then kill everyone in the volcano. Except in Arnold voice, which is hard to imitate in a font. And the penultimate scene would probably have him ending with a line such as "Try disrupting THIS airspace!" and destroying the volcano with a grenade that had the pin pulled with his teeth. Then he'd blow away all the ash onto a crap country like Krgyzstan or Kuwait or North Korea. And the final final line would be corny and inspirational: "You could say that no more jet planes will be destroyed by this volcanic ash, and you would be correct in doing so! Hasta la Vista, baby."

Arnie prepares to face the volcano.

Helmed by Ridley Scott, this will be a great film.

I'd also like to draw attention to another blog, as it already contains some nice stuff, and will probably increase over coming weeks. This girl is excellent and no mistake.

http://hayleylouisesmith.blogspot.com/

Changes ..

Who are we,

A State of Mind,
Funky with the rhymes and positively inclined ..

Brief, fairly self explanatory update for you! The blog is now blue, at the request of Ruthy, to save your eyes from the harsh contrast of the previous template as you flicked between this and facebook. There were a couple of other templates with better colours but they all had some major flaw, like putting all the info on the left or in a weird font or some other silly drawback. So its the same template, but blue. Accept it you ingrates.

And, while browsing the 'settings' tab, I managed to fix the godawful time settings of the blog, so I can now post all entries in GMT UK immediately, as opposed to having to go back afterwards to alter the 'time of post', which had been set as 'GMT Pacific Island' or something like that. Hurray.

Whats that? Llamas doing it?

Politics and potential con-men.

Oh the Dashboard melted,
but we still have the radio ..

Oh man, exciting updates today! What a lot of things have happened.

Thankyou all firstly for the feedback for the last post. Judging by the responses of at least 10 of you, I should stop starting arguments on the Internet with myself. Noted.

Ok, so what's happened today? Well, for the last few weeks we've had notices plastered to our front door with masking tape heralding the bankruptcy of our landlords and the consequent imminent passing of landlordial powers to a group called Countrywide Managing Agents. It seems very swish and professional, but we're now becoming more and more skeptical. When I went to see our current landlords, they didn't give anything away in the arena of 'we have no money left, why are you still here?', but maybe thats just that. Either way, we have skepticism and will do our best not to be scammed. Is it normal practise for a new landlord to ask the occupants of a house how many kitchens and bathrooms they have? Surely that information would be available from the previous landlords?

Such are the pitfalls of student living.

Another area of today that seems to be attracting me some negative feedback (the crowning comment currently being "bad max!!! BAD!!!") was my meeting with the Prime Minister. We met for lunch to discuss the economy and play some Call of Duty together.

Thats not true. No, there was a small crowd and a gathering of onlookers by the Radisson hotel in Leeds, alongside an ungodly police presence. So I stood and watched for a bit, and then a very smart car pulled up with a grey 4x4, and would you know it? Out of the hotel came Gordon Brown.

He turned towards the little group where I was standing, smiled for some cameras, and I suddenly realised that lots of people around me were screaming for his attention and thrusting their hands forwards. And so, in-keeping with my herd mentality complex, to the friendly hollers of "The public doesn't want you!" by some bloke standing at the back .. I stuck my hand out. And he shook it, and smiled at me. And, under the watchful eye of an armed guard, I suppressed all racing thoughts of 'but .. but .. you ballsed up our economy ..' and smiled back. And that was it. Max's political adventure 2010.

Armed guards? What would be the point of assassinating Gordon Brown? You only have to stick it out for less than a month and he'll be gone. That confused me.

I like to imagine that the first idea I suggested might one day come true. The one where I meet with Gordon Brown in person to play Modern Warfare online with him. It would probably be in London, maybe even at Downing Street. I'd wager he gets very good internet there. He'd probably have his own mini-bar, too.

Me: Hey Gordon, do you want a shot?

Gordon: That sounds excellent! A great idea in the stressful run-up to the election.

Me: Yeah, well, start up Call of Duty while I get us a drink.

Gordon: Gotcha.

I move behind the mini-bar.

Me: So Gordon, whats the deal with fixing the economy? That went tits up, right? You admit that?

I return with 4 shots of Tequila

Gordon: Oh come on! I tried to regulate the banks.

We drink

Gordon: Its not my fault that they all wanted to be free of regulation. Silly fuckers.

Me: Language, Gordon. But come on, some of it was your fault, right?

Gordon: Fine, yes. Yes it was.

We play.

Me: Ahh, I knew it. And you're going to stop blaming 3rd parties, like US regulators and international watchdogs for our failed economy?

Gordon (sullen, grumpy): Yeah, I guess so.

Me: And you admit tha- ooh, good shot! - you admit that the scrapping of the 10p tax was a pretty crap move as well, yeah?

Gordon: Yeah, whatevs.

Me: Good lad. Any other new developments? Y'know, the family? 'Hug a hoodie' and all that jazz?

Gordon: Dude, seriously. That's Cameron's gig.

A few moments silence. We continue to play.

Me: You realise you probably won't win the next election and you're legacy is how balls the UK has become, just like Tony Blair?

Gordon: Jesus, get me another drink.



This may or may not be a fictional occurence.

Streams of thought.

Lay down your head,
And show me if you like it,
Lend me your ears,
And read me like a book ..

The news has really been kicking off this week, which is nice. For starters, we have the general election coming up on the 6th, the day where the Tories will most likely re-take power after 25 years. I expect we'll see a marked rise in the number of photos of politicians hugging babies over the next few weeks.

Oh, and everyones started killing each other in Kyrgyzstan.

Where, sorry?

Yeah, I've no idea either.

One of those crap former Soviet Bloc countries?

Yeah, it'll be one of them.

Where they kill each other.

I think I'm spewing this entry out to try and avoid doing my pile of essays. I've been sat looking at this "New Post" page for about 20 minutes, to no avail. A mental block has hit me.

I'm considering getting a haircut again. I seem to be having quite a lot more than usual recently.

Theres always a bit of trepidation about going to the hairdressers. They can ruin your day. Hell, they can ruin your week.

What with their razors, if they so please, they can ruin the next few months for you. So, the next time you hear someone say "Hairdressers? What can they possibly do? They're hairdressers", you can respond with "Mate, those guys have power. They have razors. They can ruin your entire week."

I'm gonna try and drag this out as long as I can.

I'm beginning to think I should have trusted my trusty instinct.

Don't blog, Max. You have things to do.

End it now, just click 'publish post' and be done with it.

Is it even worth it this time round?

Post it, it's just your fucking blog! Stupid and pointless.

Okay, maybe not stupid. Pointless perhaps. Humorous occasionally?

Yeah, but not this post.

Well, thats the issue. Should I post this?

Do it! No-one gives a toss if you do or not!

Yeah, but if its a really balls entry, then people looking at this for the first time will be put off. Hell, I might even lose one of my 4 followers.

Jesus, push the fucking button.

Do I curse too much on here? I curse quite a bit in real life, is this a proportional online reflection?

I don't know where my rise in cursing has come from. I never used to be this curseful. My old flatmate cursed a lot. I love you, Sam. I guess my parents don't curse a great deal. My dad does, occasionally, maybe its that. It seems an odd influence though seeing as its not a frequent occurence.

I blame you, University. I blame you for my profanity.

Ok, you should really stop now. You're beginning to sound silly. People reading this are gonna be really confused and might judge you for it.

Yeah, but this is only a blog. If people judge you for stuff you put online, thats retarded.

Right, now that is offensive. You said in a previous entry that you were cutting down on that word. Once is forgivable, after that people will start thinking its mean.

What about saying 'special needs' then?

That would probably make people feel uncomfortable.

Makes people uncomfortable? That's just gay. Why would people with special needs be avid readers of my blog anyway?

Ok, now thats doubly offensive. We're shading homophobia now as well.

Should I get rid of that bit?

Yes, definitely.

Nah, fuck it. No-ones gonna have read this far, certainly not someone retarded with a short attention span.

Mate, seriously.

I don't know anyone with special needs anyway, it's fine. And if I did that wouldn't make them eligible for a complimentary mention in this blog.

You really must stop now. Look, theres a 6000 word essay waving at you from the corner.

Tell it to go fuck itself. I'll be with it when I have a minute.

Peace out.

Burnt mouths and crap magazines.

All the souvenirs

In my memories
Got me ruining my soul ..

I reckon I burn my mouth about twice a week. I'm a fucking idiot. Last night I did it twice. First on Chinese food, then on a kebab (I'm really healthy). It's a pretty annoying trait, as other people around me will be eating piping hot stuff, and I know I'm gonna get burned, but I don't want to sit there and look a tit so I eat it to try and prove how manly I am, and then my mouth is scorched.

I honestly do this on a regular basis. And all of a sudden, in the aftermath, my wise inner self kicks in to scold me. "Whoa! Burned the mouth, huh?" And sadly I reply to my inner self "Yes. Again." And then my inner self lays down the law. "Stop eating such hot food. You are obviously a dick and can't handle your food temperature."

We were in Huddersfield last night, which is where most of the mouth-burning took place. I'm also unnecessarily knackered today because we did a 9 mile trek home through the countryside in the small hours of the morning, as opposed to taking the road route and cutting out about 2 hours. Courtesy of Alex Johnson.

This boy's sense of direction is rubbish.

I was in a pub toilet last night, and there was a magazine on the floor which piqued my curiosity. I forget which one it was, something like OK or Hello! but even shitter. A lot of the content and headlines got me thinking though. If I'd had less to drink, I could have given you the real content and probably remembered a lot more important facts, but I can't, so you'll have to use your imagination.

The front page was about a celebrity - my gut feeling tells me it was Kate Winslet, but I can't be sure - with a picture of a young boy, with a headline something like 'giving kids a normal life amongst fame - exclusive'. I can't remember.

Interestingly though, it seems phase 1 of giving your famous-by-association child a normal life is by having their face plastered across the front of a national publication. Smart move. If this poor kid continues down the route of many before him, it'll be a case of 'lets remove any hint of normalcy from this child's life so that 30 years from now they can write a heartfelt autobiography showcasing the achievements of their now frail and incompetent parent(s).'

Oh, the joys of fame.

But, the magazine got even better! Further on there was the agony aunt section, with some classics. The message that I remember was from some girl somewhere in the world, to the effect of 'my boyfriend wants me to give him oral sex, but I don't like doing it. He says this shows I don't love him. What should I do?'.

The response was naturally pretty logical. You know the ones - you are your own woman, no-one can tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I thought that was a nice sentiment. And then, over the page, an article to the tune of '10 ways to suck off your man so he'll never leave you'. Classic.

Martyrdom

Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain,
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end,
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend,
But I always thought that I'd see you again ..

So it turns out that the two Moscow Suicide bombers were two upstanding young women whose relatives were recently killed by the Russian armed forces. Yes, they were a bit messed up but my question today is this: We all know that your classic suicide bomber is promised 72 virgins when he blows himself up, but what are female suicide bombers promised? Yeah, they'll get the martyr status and all, but what else can they expect from the afterlife? A load of guy virgins hardly has the same appeal. Nerdy high school kids eagerly waiting their arrival? At least a calendar with some sexy firemen, right?

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Stupid terrorists.

There was also this in the news recently .. "Professor James Lovelock, the man who achieved global fame for his theory that the whole earth is a single organism, has said it is too late to try and save the planet."

No shit Sherlock. And on the same intellectual level, I predict that there will be a marked rise in Christmas Tree sales in December. Idiot.

And would you know it? Panda's shagging!