So then I took my time
Oh what a thing to have done,
And it was all yellow ..
I'm typing this entry as I sit on hold to the Jobcentre. The music they play when you're on hold is "Spring" from Vivaldi's Four Seasons, it doesn't feel right somehow. Give 'em a ring, it's 08456088548. I guarantee you won't have to speak to anyone.
I would really dig having a monkey sidekick.
The dog is a good companion, but it just doesn't cut it like I imagine a monkey would.
A few criteria:
1.) The monkey must be the right size to sit on my shoulder. This could be quite a prohibiting factor, as I'm tall but I don't have broad or muscular shoulders with a great deal of space. Having said that, even if I had enormous physique I'd hardly choose to lug a 40 kilogram baboon round on my shoulder. I'm thinking something along the lines of a Capuchin, because any monkey I have as a sidekick is gonna be a 9 til 5 job.
2.) The monkey's got to be toilet trained. Given the previous point, knowing when and where to have a dump is an invaluable thing for this monkey to get right and proper. It must need to know to hop off and do it elsewhere and not just crap down my back.
3.) I'd like it to understand a broad range of commands. Examples would be "Monkey! Strongbow!", at which point he'd run to the fridge and get me a cider. He would also need to be athletic enough to fetch things from great heights, such as on top of shelves. I like my monkeys spry.
4.) The monkey would exact immediate, bloody revenge upon my enemies. I'd just have to glance at him on my shoulder and say "Monkey! Vengeance!"
5.) Leading on from the two previous points, the monkey must have a decent enough grasp of the English language, or at least my voice, lest it becomes as useless as voice recognition programmes. For example, if I were to say "Monkey! My cocaine!", he might bring me Michael Caine, because the phrase 'my cocaine' sounds like Michael Caine saying his name in his own voice.
Similar hiccups may arise if I had just received injustice at the hands of Michael Caine. There would be nothing more saddening or train-wreck interesting than a monkey accidentally drugging himself to death while trying to bludgeon the crap out of a bag of cocaine. To that late monkey's credit, I probably should have spoken more clearly when I said "Vengeance on Michael Caine!"
6.) I would like the monkey to have WiFi.
7.) I would occasionally like the monkey to ride backwards on a pig.
8.) As with my dog, the monkey should know a few tricks. "Sit" is old hat, but "high five" I think still has some relevance. Sometimes I have very good things to say but no-one is around to hear them. The monkey will therefore be my back-up man, sitting poised and ready to high five me when I come out with witticisms like "Kellie's secretly scouse". To prove that I am, indeed, the man.
9.) It'd be best if the monkey would refrain from touching himself when sitting on my shoulder. Much like the crapping etiquette point, the monkey must understand that there is a time and a place; anytime he's being my sidekick is considered 'improper'.
10.) The monkey must choose his own name from a list of obscure British MP's of the 1930's.
