The Sun, the Moon,
Both turn for you,
And through your days
Will light your way ..
It's an old gripe, but this post is primarily for Kellie's entertainment. I'm beginning to feel that these posts are beginning to lose that subtle light of spontaneity that I enjoy, instead becoming entries lightly dusted with crap as a result of the pressure to just produce something, like some performing dog.
Anyway.
There's been a rise of late in the number of big fuck-off house spiders making terrifying appearances round our house.
The other night, I was lying awake on my laptop in the small hours when I noticed something move out of the corner of my eye. I paid it no mind until it moved again, much more purposefully this time, at which point I realised it was a spider, doing that kind of awkward leggy glide, like some fucking 8-legged dementor. And then it did that thing that house spiders do, where, instead of just pegging it, they pause and wait.
I completely don't get this.
Maybe its a kind of Jurassic Park tyrannosaurus thing and they believe human vision is based solely on movement.
Maybe.
I choose to believe its more of a come-on than anything else. That thing people say, about the spider being more scared of you than you are of it? If the behaviour of our spiders is anything to go by, then that theory is bollocks. Unless the spider dashes out of sight and never re-appears, then it's up for a scrap and is fair game as far as I'm concerned.
This was pretty much what was running through my head at the time, and I was getting all geared up (in a nervously shaky and sweaty way) to bring the spider, who we'll call Gwyneth, to its untimely death.
Then, in a heart-stopping moment, I noticed my BB gun, my primary anti-spider weapon, was on my desk. Gwyneth stood between us. There was no way I could have reached it without disturbing her. And she must have somehow sensed this, because before I made the next move she took off again, straight under my desk, and in a very Andy McNab moment, I dived for the gun and managed to fire about 3 rounds at her as she escaped behind some boxes.
This story should make a brilliant film.
After some minutes of tentatively shifting the boxes, a couple of screams and a bit of indiscriminate shooting, I managed to goad Gwyneth out from behind the boxes to under a set of shelves. It's worth noting that at this point I was close to soiling myself. And just as I opened my bag of BB's to perform a quick reload, Gwyneth bravely, but ultimately foolishly, made a try for under my bed.
Even when I'm at the point of shitting myself, no spider is ever knowingly getting near my bed without a fight. And in the second dramatic turn of the night, I dropped the half-loaded gun and grabbed the first object I found: my office chair. And in one smooth movement, I ran her over with it. Then again. And a few more times, just to be certain. This probably sufficed, but Jesus, when spiders are involved and I'm this worked up, I don't stop short of collateral damage.
In my wardrobe, I have an old samurai sword that a chef from the pub gave me. This was put to good use for the next 2 minutes or so.
I felt sorry for Gwyneth on some level. Regardless of the fact that she'd scared the crap out of me and had run the risk of turning my bedroom into a week long quarantine zone, I felt that nothing deserved a death quite as brutal and undignified as hers.
This feeling lasted about 15 minutes.
Just as I'd begun to re-settle in bed and just about gotten rid of the shakes, I saw another movement. Barely believing it, there was another one, who we'll call Scott. Not taking any chances, I grabbed the sword and the gun.
Scott may have been the nicest spider with only good intentions, but the fear he incurred in me was such that nothing would bring me peace other than his demise, which followed about 4 seconds after.
Some artistic license has been taken.
I'm hoping now that spiders have some sort of monthly/annual appearance quota to fill. By anybody's standards, September and October should now both be ticked off. One or two a month just begins to breach levels of acceptability, but two within 20 minutes of each other is just taking the piss.
Lets take a moment to thank the things that kept me safe.
