When the paralytic dreams that we all seem to keep
Drive on engines 'til they weep
With future pixels in factories far away ..
After a month of giving carte-blanche to idiots to embarrass themselves, the 21st century incarnation of the Victorian freak show that is Britain's got Talent entered the first round of the semi finals this evening. There has been some weird shit, but it's still infinitely more preferable to X-factor, if only because it offers a little more variety and we don't have the gruelling week-on-week repetition of contestants telling Simon that his negative feedback only gives them determination, even if he hasn't opened his mouth yet.
We, the Great British public, have so far chosen the Welsh choir group Only Boys Aloud and Ashleigh and Pudsey, the girl with the dog. The former I guess is kind of heartening because they seem to have genuine talent and offer something a little different to the usual nameless singers and oh so fucking boring street-dance groups, and if they win, they may face more interesting prospects than trooping sadly back to the cold Welsh valleys from whence they came.
Ashleigh and Pudsey - it's a girl and a performing dog. It's pretty cool but until the dog plays an instrument it probably won't be a winner.
Who have we lost along the way so far?
Analiza Ching - the Chinese violinist. Should be there instead of the dog. Amazing talent. Even more amazing boobs. Sue me, it's true.
Rachel Knowland - sung a song. Had the Natalie Portman in V for Vendetta look, but that's about it.
The Mend - they got the white street-rapper thing and boy band hand moves down, but they also had the faces of 40 year old kebab shop owners.
United We Stand - Diversity did it three years ago and better.
The Jive Aces - not untalented, but more of a yorkshire working mens club entertainment troupe than Royal Variety Performance.
Lauren Thalia - she was pretty stonking at guitar and singing for a 12 year old, but seriously, her confidence and 40-year-old-woman-trapped-in-a-childs-body thing was just unnerving. A sweet rich child who will probably grow up to be a bitch. Will probably call people 'honey' and 'sweetie'. And she had an annoying laugh.
Zipparah Tafari - where me keys? Where me phone? Have you ever been in that situation, where you lost your keys and your mobile phone and your fucking mind? It's depressing he even got this far.
There we have it. I think it's on every night this week, I might do an entry for each one.
