Happy New Year

The falling alcohol empire is here to hold you,

Rolling out and haunted til it sinks ..

So 2011 is nearly finished and done with, certainly a contender for being one of the best years so far. Went out for some pre-celebrations in Huddersfield last night, involving being let into Camel Club for free after bantering with the manager outside, fat cigars at the Parish and an 8 and a half mile walk home.

For the sake of what's expected, I'll throw down some New Years resolutions.

• Walk back from Huddersfield less
• Do Uni work in the daytime; be less nocturnal
• Make Kellie more tea first thing in the morning
• Teach the dog to speak German

Stay classy, 2012.

Pure laziness

Up on melancholy hill,

There's a plastic tree,

Are you here with me?

Just looking out on the day of another dream ..

Hello, how are you on this goodest of thursdays?

Uni work over christmas should be illegal. Granted, I'm not in the same position as other people who have January exams on top of essays and stuff, but seriously, it's still balls. The really annoying thing is comparing how fastidious I was at uni to how I am now. My good buddy Alex came round the other day to do some work. We averaged 40 words an hour. I used to work a lot and get stuff done, but now that the work output's lost its momentum, all I really want to do is put a bullet in its head because its broken its leg.

I think the second part of that sentence could be a decent rap lyric. Any young, black, fledgling rappers who might be reading, feel free to use that one. Just credit me on the back of the CD. Motherfucker.

I've gotten lazy on all fronts recently. Well, I was already lazy, so I don't know what that means I've become. I blame Leeds for this feeling of waking up post 10.30 am and not feeling like doing squat all day. I keep telling myself that these essays aren't gonna write themselves, but damn, you try writing 2000 words in German about the link between the German student movement and black power in America. Not gonna happen.

That said, home is forcing me to live with some semblance of reality, namely eating well and not taking the occasional piss in the sink because it's the closest thing with a drain.



Boxing day emails

But there's one thing I know,

The blues he sends to meet me won't defeat me,

It won't be long til happiness steps up to greet me ..

Happy boxing day everyone. Go on, go and pick at yesterdays leftovers. Pick at them good.

I just checked my old email account, the one that I haven't used or checked in about 6 months. It's the one we all have, the one we made when we were 14 with an email address that was so hilarious or relevant at the time which you look back on now and want to kick your childhod self. Anyway, the account was full of junk. My favourite ones were "Did asbestos cause bladder cancer? You may receive compensation" and "Would you be a good lawyer?"

I would be a crap lawyer. When I'm under pressure, I say ridiculous shit and then try and dig my way out, only most of the time I lose momentum or interest and don't really stick to my guns anymore. Then later, after I've given it a little thought, I can formulate some pretty good rational arguments. But that still wouldn't be great for a lawyer, because by that time my client would probably be getting raped in the prison shower.

I've nothing else really to say today, because vegging out, eating food and watching telly doesn't really conjure up noteworthy stories. I can't really think of anything further.

I love my lady lumps.

What an awesome line. I imagine that's a pretty inspiring line for women everywhere.

Christmas shopping couples

Birds singin' in the sycamore trees,

Dream a little dream of me ..

It's been brought to my attention that a fair few people read this occasionally and there are some things I say which apparently I should have held back on, lest people see me in a new, frightening light. Since freedom of speech is still a liberty in its own right, the only viable alternative would be to start a new, super secret blog with one of those "offensive material" disclaimers, in which to share all the things that people don't like here.

Couples can be incredibly annoying, right? Annoying couples seem to be far more abundant in Huddersfield than in Leeds. People who feel the need to do absurd couple stuff in public suck. I think we can make 3 distinct categories, most of which can be seen around McDonalds and Poundland in Huddersfield.

1. The "let's make out in public so people can learn from us" couple - probably the most annoying of the three, usually 16 year olds at Greenhead college. They kiss excessively, feeling each other up, to affirm just how in love they are. Please, cut out your tongues so I can put my cigarette out on them.

2. The "we replace each others names with 'baby' or 'sweety'" couple - "Baby, we bought the wrong one", "Well then baby, let's go and take it back" "Aw baby, but then I have to go back to the shop" "It's alright sweety, I'll come with you."

Baby, for the love of everyone who isn't you, shut the fuck up. Obsessive use of baby isn't cute, it's just irritating.

3. The "we're fighting in public but you're not meant to notice" couple - I'd just come out of waterstones in Huddersfield the other day and I heard the line "fuck you and that skanky bitch whore". Now call me Curious George, but hearing the words fuck, skanky, whore and bitch all in the same sentence does just pique my curiosity.

And I glanced at them as I walked past to try and catch a look at the happy pair, and the speaker, some scary looking chav-hag, politely asks if I want to "mind my own fucking business". Mind my own business? Listen up Peggy Sue, last I checked Jeremy Kyle wasn't staging a fucking drop-in session on Huddersfield high street. Do it in the privacy of your own insanity.

It's christmas eve tomorrow, so I'm gonna take this opportunity to wish everyone a happy christmas. I hope you get everything you asked for and wake up with a happy hangover.

Man crush.

She will always be the only thing

That comes between me and the awful sting,

That comes from living in a world that's so damn mean ..

Whaddup my African-Americans. Its 7am and I'm at uni. Word.

I feel it's been a while since I posted anything at all relevant or interesting on here for a while, unlike the old days when things were more fun, and I feel sad about that. It's not because I imagine anyone to be sitting there just mashing 'refresh' in the hope of something noteworthy (apart from Kellie, maybe) and sighing dramatically at anyone within earshot.* It's just because I know that uni won't finish for another 4 or 5 months, so this predicament isn't likely to be remedied anytime soon.

*I hate people that do this. Anyone else hate this? In public, when somethings wrong, and people try and make eye contact with you and draw you into their crazy. Aww, what's matter? Queue moving a bit slowly? Train delayed by 6 and a half minutes? I'm not thrilled about it either mate, but I'm not gonna make eye contact with you just so you can roll your eyes at me or do your dramatic sigh and make you think that we're in some little pissed-off club together.

Anyway, here I am, typing to keep the fires alive. You're important to me baby. Hows your week been so far? Mine's been fine.

I went to Hyde Park Picture House today to watch a film called 50/50. If you haven't seen it, do. It has Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Seth Rogen in it. How amazing a combination is that? The only thing it really proved is that Joseph Gordon-Levitt IS my man-crush. Remember this. If I stop fancying girls, JGL is the one I will go gay for. He is my man. It's a long shot, but jesus.

Disclaimer: open admittance of heterosexuality upon making a gay joke does not, in this case, make me gay by default.

That's another thing I like actually. Watching gay blokes pretend they're straight. Or, even funnier, watching straight guys affirm just how fucking not gay they are by emphasising it strenuously in front of everyone. Almost like I just did, but in real life; it's not as funny or effective in blog form. I'd never do it for real. Man, I'd rather be gay than straight and insecure.

I've just finished the first 1000 words of my dissertation, which I'm gonna email off tomorrow with fresh eyes. I know this is the first draft of first drafts, as it were (though a large part of me just says this to rationalise it somehow in my head), but these first 1000 words are probably shit.

leave the door open yeah?

I've been working on a cocktail called Grounds for Divorce,

WhhoooOOOOooooOOOOOoooooahhh ...

Doubt comes in on sticks but then he kicks like a horse,

WhhoooOOOOooooOOOOOoooooahhh ...

I like to think I've done that song justice with the way I typed the lyrics.

Are you one of those people who goes to other people's houses, or maybe even just at home, who goes for a pee and then shuts the door behind themself when they leave? If so, why do you do that? If someone else needs a wee, they're gonna come along, see that ol' closed door and assume its occupied. I understand if you'd just been for a dump, but just a pee? How bad can that smell?

If you are one of these people, do desperate toilet-goers a favour and stop it.